"In your light I learn how to love." ~ Rumi

My daughter is the teacher, and I her student.

True Love vs. Toxic Love

We all love. We give love. We want love. Wouldn't it be amazing to restore health to the love we are giving and receiving-- To experience true love devoid of the toxicity from our cultural standard mainly supported by media-- songs that croon "I can't live without you," movies that boast "you complete me." It's amazing how it is the fictionalized romance that really gets us... makes us cry... makes us not only WANT but EXPECT what we are seeing and hearing. It is common for women to want to be rescued, to be swept off of her feet and live happily ever after with a partner who orbits her every thought and mood and feeling. But what are we after? What does that type of relationship really look like?


When we experience attraction to another, we find their individuality attractive. We are enamored by who they are, what they do, their abilities, their interests, their contribution to this world. Yet, for many, within a relationship, we suffocate that individuality out of our loved one because of our own extreme neediness and FEAR. This fear is steeped in codependency and low self-esteem. These are both personal issues that we poison our love with:
"I am afraid I will lose you therefore you must give up any interest, relationship, etc. that does not include me."
What I have learned recently is that it is of the highest importance to maintain autonomy in any coupling. To be in a relationship is wonderful and rewarding and it is a choice. A relationship is comprised of individuals with the common interest of loving, supporting and encouraging one another in their autonomy. 
I encourage you to understand the difference between True and Toxic love. I was blown away by how familiar the "toxic love" descriptions were to me. It is challenging to overcome years of programming. But it is my heart's desire to give and receive true love and leave behind the toxicity that has plagued my relationships.

Codependent Relationships Dynamics

This is the second in a series of articles by codependency therapist, Spiritual teacher Robert Burney about the ways in which romantic relationships in our society are set up to be dysfunctional.  This article explores the dynamics that are a normal consequence of relationships between people who have been raised in an emotionally dishonest and repressive, shame-based culture.  It does not matter how much two people love each other if they are reacting to their childhood programming in their interaction.

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Codependent Relationships Dynamics part 2 - Dysfunctional Definition of Love

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims" 

One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that getting the relationship is the goal. 
It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after.  It continues in movies and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset.  The songs that say "I can't smile without you"  "I can't live without you"  "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - toxic love - an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power. 
Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish.  We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made.  We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.
There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after.  We are not incomplete until we find our soul mate.  We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship.
True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not  all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles.  The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a form of toxic love.
Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.)

1. Love - Development of self first priority. 

Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.  

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. 

Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness) 

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. 

Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

          4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure.

Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing. 

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) 

Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply." 

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.

Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation. 

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality. 

Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image. 

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. 

Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant. 

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. 

Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other. 

10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.) 

Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.) 

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. 

Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification. 

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone. 

Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging. 

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment. 

Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy.  There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional.  Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.
If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson. 
As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice.  That is not True Love - nor is it Loving. 

Whole in One

On this journey of self-discovery I am realizing I have been living as half a person. It is the common, trite and misconceived notion that we should all look for another to complete us (thank you very much Jerry Maguire). It is a notion to which I subscribed.

As I delve deep into my heart, my mind, my spirit, I realize that true completeness is only achieved when you can see yourself as already whole. When you discover that your soulmate is within, it will blow the top right off your head. And then you will see yourself as you truly are: a whole, complete and perfect energy. Beautiful. You are filled with a light so bright it can not be extinguished or dimmed.

That is not to say I don't believe that companionship, relationship and love are essential . . . I do. I believe that love is why we are here. My mission is to love better. It seems the better I become at giving love, the more I receive it. 

When we already come to love knowing we are complete-- not looking for another to fill a void or to make up where we are lacking-- we then can offer true companionship. If we are still existing as incomplete, it is likely that the relationships we keep are troubled. No other can complete YOU . . . you must do that work within yourself. Relying on another for that will never be satisfying or even possible. 

If you are already in a relationship, I challenge you as I am challenging myself to immediately release your partner from the impossible task of trying to complete you. You will probably find a rapid decline of frustration, upset and disappointment felt by you and your significant other. 

When we look to another to make us feel whole, we hold them to an impossible task and therefore will always feel dissatisfied with their performance. True love is found when there is no expectation or need. True love happens when we are simply left to offer another compassion, support, a respite from all the demands outside. 

Say, "Come and be with me. Come rest. Come laugh. Come play. Come share life with me." This is much different than a demanding, needy and selfish love most of us are programmed to accept and give. Think about the love you are giving. Is it conditional? Do you withhold your love if you feel your requirements and needs are not being met? Do you only match the level of compassion, emotion, energy another is showing you at any given moment-- never giving more or first? Do you wait for another to be kind, or give you what you need before offering kindness or meeting a need in someone you love? Why? 

These are hard questions I've asked myself recently. Getting honest answers was a struggle. But once I shed the act of loving in search of real love in action, it was a discovery like no other. My focus is to offer myself in my relationships and to this life as a whole person. I am aware that no other can meet my needs. I am not seeking fulfillment. I am no longer armed with expectations. I am here to love unconditionally. 

wisdom in love

A woman I adore recently revealed to me some words packed with wisdom that have completely changed the way I think...

"When we love someone, we think the best of them ... not the worst."

My immediate application was to use this as a way to validate my anger at the way some people in my life have judged me incorrectly. The real breakthrough, however, comes when we seek wisdom and apply that wisdom to create a newness in ourselves; our own thoughts; our own ways. My only focus is to better myself; not to change, or worse, to vilify others.

What I am discovering is that loving myself is directly correlated to how well I love others. It's a fantastic discovery.  And at the heart of those wise words is this lesson: When we love ourselves, we think the best about who we are... not the worst.

I leave you with more wise words dedicated to love. Love yourself. Be kind to you. Speak gently to yourself and that will radiate in every action and every word you provide to others.

“Something inside you emerges….an innate, indwelling peace, stillness, aliveness. It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence. It is what you had been looking for in the love object. It is yourself.”
- Eckhart Tolle

“Find the love you seek, by first finding the love within yourself. Learn to rest in that place within you that is your true home.”

- Sri Sri Ravi Shankar 

For more visit 101 Loving Yourself Quotes

Much love,
CW