Home

Home:
a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also :the focus of one's domestic attention <home is where the heart is>

"Where do you feel most at home?"

 This was a prompt that I randomly flipped to this afternoon in my bedside thought Q&A a Day journal.  As I searched my mind for the answer, I began to explore what home means to me.  I arrived at this: Home is not a physical place, but more a state of mind. Home is comfort, it is safety, it is where I am the most myself. It is not a room, building or domicile. Structure, walls, windows and doors can not offer me those things. It is the people who I call my loves who make home, home. Wherever I am, if I am with my family-- my most loved people in this world-- then I am home.

My partner in life is home to me. He steadies me. He is where I rest. He is where I re-energize. Wherever he is, is where I want to be. My children are home to me, too. Their smiles, embraces and voices all breathe life into my spirit and make me know where I belong.

But beyond all of that, when I really search for the raw answer, what I know deep down is that home resides within me. I, ultimately am my home. My heart, my soul, my thoughts is where I exist. No matter what happens in my life, or where I am,  I need to tend to and care for myself so that I will always feel at home.

Loving yourself is a good start to feeling at home no matter your circumstance. Knowing who you are... having a good sense of self is imperative. I know that a lot of times women who are mothers experience a loss of self. I certainly did. I poured so much of my focus, energy, love into my children, without regret, that I forgot to do the same for me. I don't think this type of self-sacrifice benefits our little ones. What I have since discovered is that taking care of me is just as important as taking care of them.

When I am well cared for, healthy, strong, I am a better mother. When I have a genuine sense of self, when I reserve time to be involved with my own interests and passions, I model wholeness to my kids who will sooner rather than later be adults themselves. I want them to see me happy, positive, healthy, because this is what I want for them.

For me home is so much more than a clean, organized, perfect house. Home is a well-cared for self. What is home to you?

True Love vs. Toxic Love

We all love. We give love. We want love. Wouldn't it be amazing to restore health to the love we are giving and receiving-- To experience true love devoid of the toxicity from our cultural standard mainly supported by media-- songs that croon "I can't live without you," movies that boast "you complete me." It's amazing how it is the fictionalized romance that really gets us... makes us cry... makes us not only WANT but EXPECT what we are seeing and hearing. It is common for women to want to be rescued, to be swept off of her feet and live happily ever after with a partner who orbits her every thought and mood and feeling. But what are we after? What does that type of relationship really look like?


When we experience attraction to another, we find their individuality attractive. We are enamored by who they are, what they do, their abilities, their interests, their contribution to this world. Yet, for many, within a relationship, we suffocate that individuality out of our loved one because of our own extreme neediness and FEAR. This fear is steeped in codependency and low self-esteem. These are both personal issues that we poison our love with:
"I am afraid I will lose you therefore you must give up any interest, relationship, etc. that does not include me."
What I have learned recently is that it is of the highest importance to maintain autonomy in any coupling. To be in a relationship is wonderful and rewarding and it is a choice. A relationship is comprised of individuals with the common interest of loving, supporting and encouraging one another in their autonomy. 
I encourage you to understand the difference between True and Toxic love. I was blown away by how familiar the "toxic love" descriptions were to me. It is challenging to overcome years of programming. But it is my heart's desire to give and receive true love and leave behind the toxicity that has plagued my relationships.

Codependent Relationships Dynamics

This is the second in a series of articles by codependency therapist, Spiritual teacher Robert Burney about the ways in which romantic relationships in our society are set up to be dysfunctional.  This article explores the dynamics that are a normal consequence of relationships between people who have been raised in an emotionally dishonest and repressive, shame-based culture.  It does not matter how much two people love each other if they are reacting to their childhood programming in their interaction.

---

Codependent Relationships Dynamics part 2 - Dysfunctional Definition of Love

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims" 

One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that getting the relationship is the goal. 
It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after.  It continues in movies and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset.  The songs that say "I can't smile without you"  "I can't live without you"  "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - toxic love - an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power. 
Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish.  We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made.  We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.
There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after.  We are not incomplete until we find our soul mate.  We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship.
True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not  all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles.  The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a form of toxic love.
Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.)

1. Love - Development of self first priority. 

Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.  

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. 

Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness) 

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. 

Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

          4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure.

Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing. 

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) 

Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply." 

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.

Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation. 

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality. 

Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image. 

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. 

Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant. 

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. 

Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other. 

10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.) 

Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.) 

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. 

Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification. 

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone. 

Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging. 

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment. 

Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy.  There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional.  Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.
If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson. 
As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice.  That is not True Love - nor is it Loving. 

The Art of Mothering

To be a mother is a woman's greatest vocation in life. She is a partner with God. No being has a position of such power and influence. She holds in her hands the destiny of nations, for to her comes the responsibility and opportunity of molding the nation's citizens.-Spencer W. Kimball

With Mother's Day just one week away, and with the impending birth of my fifth child just weeks away, thoughts on mothering have flooded my mind.
My role as mother is one I have always been grateful for, but I also have moments of struggle with all that being "mom" means for me as a woman. I believe that with the birth of a child there is an immediate and obvious paradigm shift in a woman from who she was pre-baby-- Priorities are different, expectations are different, life is different.
There is a definite need for a woman to become selfless- in some this is a minor adjustment, in others a major change. I have moments where I struggle against my innate selfish nature in order to be the mom my children need. Battle scars are all over my brain and my heart. I see women who are childless and look with envy on their time. They have responsibilities-- yes. But, their free time is THEIR free time. Whether it is a vacation, sleep, gym time, shopping, nights out with friends, alone time, or time to pursue their goals and passions -- these women are free to plan and do without the encumbrance of children.
I have sacrificed a lot including my time, my body, some dreams, and some would argue... my sanity.
And yet I know I am blessed. In the times where I get caught up in self-pity because of all that motherhood requires of me, I merely have to look at or think of the sweet faces of my children and I am overcome with joy and disbelief that I am the lucky woman who gets to mother them.

Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality especially while you struggle to keep your own. -Marguerite Kelly and Elia Parsons

I marvel at moms. I feel like I am just squeaking by every day juggling so many schedules, meeting so many needs, loving so many little humans. There are many mothers out there that just seem to be in their element. They seem to have mastered the art of mothering. I want to tell each of you... YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLE WOMAN! And I want to ask... HOW?!? How do you do it? How are you up at the crack of dawn with your little ones dressed perfectly, gourmet lunches with hand-written notes packed in their lunch boxes, houses clean and organized, ready to begin your day looking amazing, dinner already planned for the evening, juggling extra-curriculars and still find time to volunteer as homeroom mom or brownie leader? I don't get it. I don't know how you do it. I am truly in awe at your dedication, your tenacity, your selfless exuberance for your task at hand-- raising and shaping the lives of your children.

Her dignity consists in being unknown to the world; her glory is in the esteem of her husband; her pleasures in the happiness of her family.-Jean Rousseau

So if you are a mom please take a few moments to recognize yourself as the AMAZING WOMAN you are. Take a few moments to do something for you every once in a while, too. And for all of the men out there with mothers and/or a woman in their life who is a mom... please don't pass up an opportunity to recognize them for what they do. Remind them that they are beautiful individuals, that their thoughts and hopes and dreams and separateness from their role as mom is important. Whether it is giving them a special day, a thoughtful gesture or a simple kind word.... show the moms out there that they deserve recognition and gratitude for all the work the art of mothering requires.

No language can express the power, and beauty, and heroism, and majesty of a mother's love.  It shrinks not where man cowers, and grows stronger where man faints, and over wastes of worldly fortunes sends the radiance of its quenchless fidelity like a star.  ~Edwin Hubbell Chapin

walking into the sun

Curled tightly in the dark
familiar, it would be easy to stay and sleep
dormant

passion and hunger grows
curiosity and hope whisper, "more. move."

the warmth and comfort of known beckons complacency
tipping into the vastness of unknown a dream to only tell

no promise
no promise
no promise

secure in the hard core
yet unsettled
aching for the stretch

posturing now for unfurling
each inching steeped in courage
fear remains but loses to exuberance in the reaching past

unbounded
feeling pure space
light appears and dark gets darker
but the beginning is done
and the thirst grows powerful

alone
no promise
alone

there are no limits
there is no blocking
only the dark space
that is now left behind

destined for the sun
armed with a taste for it
the dream is more than sleep
the unknown is here and now
letting go of shells and nets and bars

space is mine
energy, life flows into all that never was
but now
is

simply
by
touching
what was always
there

A Day

Sunrise, sunset
solitude in those moments of beginning and end
needing the quiet break with earth and sky
the view, expanding the infinite; revealing the unlimited
vibrancy washes over all that is
without a need to be seen
nothing to hear
inner thoughts quieted by the knowing, the witness of
life
consuming it all
with fire

In Pursuit of Happiness...

I discovered a great site today: The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin's blog recounting her daily adventures in pursuit of happiness.

What brought me to the site was her post on personal commandments. Rubin developed a set of 12 personal commandments, overarching principles by which she tries to live her life. Taking months to assemble, Rubin reveals the depth of thought that went into compiling this list. The post includes her list as well as her insight on how best to create one for yourself.

Happiness is a choice. It has been my own personal commitment to discover the true meaning of happiness over the past few months. What I have found through my own meditations and readings is that happiness is not something you hope to achieve through any accumulation of things, arrival at a predetermined station in life, or relationship. Happiness is an inward journey. I've realized that happiness is always there for you to choose no matter your circumstance.

Having a set of individual commandments is a wonderful way to keep you on track, however. The key is to dig deep and really personalize this set of commitments to yourself to avoid falling into the old habits that have kept you from happiness in the past.

My first inclination is to compile my list in this moment and publish it with this post. I am fighting that urge in favor of allowing myself the proper time, meditation, and thought to truly come up with a set of life-enhancing, happiness-driven principles to apply to my life. I will be working on this and will share it at the right time. I wrote about patience not too long ago. Learning how to be patient in a process is challenging but much more rewarding. Being patient with yourself, allowing yourself the proper time to achieve a goal, is directly correlated to your success in that goal. I can't imagine any goal more important than happiness. I choose to live my life happy. I want to spread happiness in all that I do. I want my children to see me happy and I want them to be happy.

"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances." - Martha Washington 

  

Whole in One

On this journey of self-discovery I am realizing I have been living as half a person. It is the common, trite and misconceived notion that we should all look for another to complete us (thank you very much Jerry Maguire). It is a notion to which I subscribed.

As I delve deep into my heart, my mind, my spirit, I realize that true completeness is only achieved when you can see yourself as already whole. When you discover that your soulmate is within, it will blow the top right off your head. And then you will see yourself as you truly are: a whole, complete and perfect energy. Beautiful. You are filled with a light so bright it can not be extinguished or dimmed.

That is not to say I don't believe that companionship, relationship and love are essential . . . I do. I believe that love is why we are here. My mission is to love better. It seems the better I become at giving love, the more I receive it. 

When we already come to love knowing we are complete-- not looking for another to fill a void or to make up where we are lacking-- we then can offer true companionship. If we are still existing as incomplete, it is likely that the relationships we keep are troubled. No other can complete YOU . . . you must do that work within yourself. Relying on another for that will never be satisfying or even possible. 

If you are already in a relationship, I challenge you as I am challenging myself to immediately release your partner from the impossible task of trying to complete you. You will probably find a rapid decline of frustration, upset and disappointment felt by you and your significant other. 

When we look to another to make us feel whole, we hold them to an impossible task and therefore will always feel dissatisfied with their performance. True love is found when there is no expectation or need. True love happens when we are simply left to offer another compassion, support, a respite from all the demands outside. 

Say, "Come and be with me. Come rest. Come laugh. Come play. Come share life with me." This is much different than a demanding, needy and selfish love most of us are programmed to accept and give. Think about the love you are giving. Is it conditional? Do you withhold your love if you feel your requirements and needs are not being met? Do you only match the level of compassion, emotion, energy another is showing you at any given moment-- never giving more or first? Do you wait for another to be kind, or give you what you need before offering kindness or meeting a need in someone you love? Why? 

These are hard questions I've asked myself recently. Getting honest answers was a struggle. But once I shed the act of loving in search of real love in action, it was a discovery like no other. My focus is to offer myself in my relationships and to this life as a whole person. I am aware that no other can meet my needs. I am not seeking fulfillment. I am no longer armed with expectations. I am here to love unconditionally.