new blog

I'm starting a new blog. Let me know if you are interested in checking it out. I need to express some different themes that would not be well suited for this space. 

CW

Be Still

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining, is let it rain.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

As I tried to rest in a yoga pose this morning, I noticed just how unprepared I was to just simply be and breathe. I was a drum with muscles tense and tight. My mind was cluttered and racing. My body was fidgety and uncomfortable. My breath was shallow and erratic. Thoughts were hammering my consciousness with judgment and frustration.

Why can’t I just be still?

And then it occurred to me that the moment was there before me for the very purpose I was fighting against. I needed to notice it all—my muscles, my mind, my body, my breath, my thoughts. It wasn’t a bad yoga moment . . . it was a perfect yoga moment if I just let it be-- free of judgment, full of awareness.

I learned in that moment that yoga is like science. Scientists approach their study with hypotheses and then proceed down a path equipped with some prior knowledge, but the outcome is unknown… the process is a flow, with no guarantee of how it will unfold.

At one time our predecessors believed—science proved—the world was flat. And then it wasn’t flat, it was round—because science again proved it to be so. Science never ends. The study never ends.

My frustration in that yoga class was my greatest teacher. I need not be frustrated with the process. I need to rest in it. Be still in it. Accept it for all that it is and brings forth. Notice the tension. Notice the breath. Notice the thoughts. Notice the feelings. And then simply be a spectator with no attachment to any of it. I slowly began to quiet my mind, focus on my thoughts and then let them go. I began to accept each muscle in my body – the aches, the tension—and flood those spaces with a healing breath. I listened to my heartbeat and smiled at the work it was doing for my body. I relaxed into the meditative pose. In that time I felt the circularity of it all and I was the epicenter: quiet, calm, still.

"In your light I learn how to love." ~ Rumi

My daughter is the teacher, and I her student.

Gratitude

Breathing in
Breathing out
Leaves welcoming
This exhale

A gift exchange unto their 
Fiery reds, golden yellows, burnt orange

A final show before 
Relinquishing
Their
Brilliant colors
To 
A
Falling
Death

While dormant
New 
Life

Waits

To emerge.

"Beginnings are always messy." – John Galsworthy

Going from words floating around in my head to putting them out in the world is the greatest distance I can travel at times. In between the two points, I have to wander over a lot of rocky terrain fraught with stubbornness, fear, and self-doubt. I frequently get stuck in this familiar, stagnant, never beginning, frustrating and quite sucky mode because I am

w a i t i n g…

 Waiting for inspiration, for the sun to rise or set, for the babies to nap, for my food to digest, for the perfect time on the perfect day with the perfect light in the perfect chair, in the perfect space, in the most perfect moment.

"So many fail because they don't get started- they don't go. They don't overcome inertia. They don't begin." -- W. Clement Stone

It is all total crap. All of these self-imposed requirements are put in place to roadblock my way to beginning-- to actually starting and putting momentum behind my dreams and aspirations. And I am completely responsible for putting all of these ridiculous contingencies on the doing, favoring just hanging out with the thinking. I am getting in my own way and it is all because beginning is the one thing that separates the known from the unknown.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." -- T.S. Elliot 

Beginning does not require anything other than starting. It doesn’t require the perfect anything… no moment is going to rise up and push me into action. I don’t have to have just the right space, or time, or feeling. I just have to end staying in the familiar and begin roaming around in the unfamiliar.

"Who has begun has half done. Have the courage to be wise. Begin!" –HORACE, Epistles

I must get comfortable feeling the edge and tiptoeing over it. I hope to, at some point, always meet that edge with my head thrown back in sheer delight and a flying leap.

"A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that the balances are correct." - Frank Herbert, Dune

Writing is not just talent . . . It is practice and experience-- habit actually. I must create the habit of ALWAYS dumping my brain out. I constantly have words and thoughts, ideas and stories, camping out in my grey matter like squatters. Eviction notices must be given. These words do not hang out forever; they evaporate faster than I can even put pen to paper at times. When I act on it or even force it instead of waiting to be inspired, I realize quickly that the words do come. They are already there full and meaty waiting to be plucked and placed. These words form and take shape, exploding before me in a way that surprises me every single time I simply begin.

"The loftiest towers rise from the ground." - CHINESE PROVERB

“Earth and sky, woods and fields, lakes and rivers, the mountain and the sea, are excellent schoolmasters, and teach some of us more than we can ever learn from books.”

~ John Lubbock
 

THE CLIMB

I fee like I am living 7 different lives at times, one with each of my 5 children, one for myself, and one with my fiancé.  At any given moment, I am juggling attempts to be who each of the loves in my life needs me to be. It takes a lot of energy and resolve, trial and error, tears, self-sacrifice, and quelling my emotions of guilt and inadequacy. Just as most truly enriching experiences in life, mothering also comes beautifully packaged with great reward, satisfaction, growth, a deep understanding of compassion, grace, love . . . and a profound ability to MULTITASK!

Recently my family has seen a seemingly insurmountable season of stress-- a result of lots of change. We just relocated across the country from sunny, humid Florida to dry but incredibly beautiful Utah. In addition to acclimating to the climate and topography, we each have had our own internal battles adjusting to a new community and culture. It is hard enough for adults to weather these changes and make this transition successfully, but uprooting my children (ages 12 to 1) from the familiar to the unknown has proven to be a difficult process.

Two of my daughters, Megan- 11, and Abigail- 7, have a biological father in Florida. They have the extra piece of adjusting to a long distance relationship with him. Add to that a crazy move riddled with mishaps, living out of suitcases, a home remodel, and a new school with all new friends, and it is reasonable to say their world was rocked.

Noticing their struggles and inability to process all that was happening, I became keenly aware of their need for a little extra love, attention, and help. I began to search for a way to model how to weather the storms of life.

We put on our hiking shoes.

Thankfully living in Utah affords us with an amazing natural setting with many options for getting outside and exploring incredible terrain. One such opportunity rests conveniently 100 yards from our front door. This relatively easy hike winds up to just under 5,500 feet on a peak that boasts amazing vistas of the entire city, mountains, and the Great Salt Lake.

We set off up the hill to the entrance of the hike. Along the paved upward climb, Abi began to huff and puff. Despite my own doubts, however, she pushed ahead. I began to witness their transition from an anxious hesitation and uneasiness to fortitude and excitement.

At the entrance, I paused to look them in their wide, beautiful blue eyes to tell them all about what was to come-- the challenges, how best to tread along the path, and where to avoid stepping. I told them I loved them and that I was proud of them no matter if we made it to the top or if we turned around half way. They were already walking ahead of me in their zeal as my words trailed off.

There were moments when one or both needed to catch a breath or sit down. I encouraged them to pause but then keep going; explaining that sitting down would only make getting up more difficult. Thankfully, they listened. We meandered up easily at times, and slowly in others. We took small breaks to look out at the incredible views and to reflect on where we were and how far we had come. At each break, with their flushed cheeks, they smiled and became even more determined.

The thought of turning around at the halfway point vanished. Reaching the pinnacle became a real possibility.

As we breathlessly came up to the final ascent, I paused long enough to memorize their faces, taste the air and feel its coolness on my skin, to look all around me and consume the sights and sounds, and finally to see their elation as they realized how close they were to the top.

We took our final steps and there we were standing at 5, 416 feet above the earth. I will always remember their joy, innocent giggles, and disbelief. Holding hands, we soaked it all in, looking out past our new city, our new home, to the glorious mountains and beyond.

And then I had to break it to them. This was not the end. We still had to go back down. I looked them in the eye and saw their confusion. Their innocent expressions in direct protest . . . “But Mom, we did it! We’ve arrived!” and then their quizzical furrowed brows whispered, “There’s more? Going down is the easy part, right?”

I explained that just as in life, we never fully arrive. There is never a finish line. As long as we live, we will discover that new challenges await us as soon as we meet the last. That is life. That is what it means to live— to continually face the challenges ahead and learn from them, grow from them, evolve into who we want to be with the refinement of each one. We must pause and reflect frequently about where we’ve been, how far we’ve come and where we’re headed. We must be prepared to take the ups with the downs, the good with the bad, the highs with the lows, and see each as necessary to the other.

We carefully made our way back to the same place we began . . . different than when we started. We were armed with an experience that will forever be part of our hearts and souls— we were knowledgeable of and wise to the steps up and down that peak. My girls left equipped with a new confidence, not just in hiking, but also in life. They saw themselves now as overcomers, as capable, strong and more secure. They accomplished much that morning, not the least of which was a new outlook on who they are in the world and how able they are to weather life’s challenges.

Vodka

She sits 

Red painted lips

In the inky black

Of her room

A vodka sip 

Burning a long line into the depths of an ache 

Deeply dormant

Face to face 

With past ghosts 

Fragrant with dusty books and the hard covered dreams

Long ago shelved 

The red lip stained glass 

Drained 

Yet wet with the cold memory 

She adoringly gazes into its emptiness 

And settles deep into thoughts of long sunsets

Long gone

Which way do you look 

When you look back?

Is it possible to dream in reverse 

And land on a mountaintop

With your pen 

And your paper 

Already 

Writing 

The thoughts you've never had?

Control = Exhaustion

Feeling exhausted? Most of us have good reason to be tired, but exhaustion is a whole other level. 

It could be from living life too seriously. When we set up rigid parameters in life we keep the spontaneous away, leaving us little if not any moments to be carefree. And that is exhausting...

When is the last time you laughed uncontrollably? When is the last time you did something out of your routine? When is the last time you tried something new? 

It's a tough one for me. I HAVE TO be the mom. So how do I maintain my role as responsible adult and find moments to be footloose and fancy free?

Turns out life tends to run more smoothly when you throw in a little unexpected, when you break away from your schedule and opt for the chaotic, the unreasonable, THE PANCAKES FOR DINNER ;) Because then you are allowing your self to live (you know like REALLY LIVE). When we break away from the predictable and give way to the unpredictable--  stop trying to control life and just let life happen--we can relax. And when we are in a more relaxed state of mind, we are more open to passion and excitement and energy and laughter.

It's all about control. The thing is... THE THING IS... we can't control anything but ourselves. You can plan all you want but you should also plan on your plan to not go as planned. We exhaust ourselves when we constantly try to control what we cannot control. 

So the next time you find yourself exhausted trying to stick to your plan, let go and just roll with it... it will be OK.. in fact, it will probably be better than OK. It may even turn out FANTASTIC!! 

DIY Coconut Oil and Sea Salt hair spray

So I'm taking a bit of a jump away from the norm and delving into uncharted territory here on Words... a beauty post. What, what?!?

I can't help it... I am having a serious love affair with coconut oil and I just have to share one of the little gems I've discovered using this lovely, ah-mazing, miraculous ingredient.

I love to bake and coconut oil has taken my fav chocolate chip cookies to a whole new level of epicness... try it roasting sweet potatoes, too... you will thank me. Yum!

Coconut Oil, once dismissed as a bad, bad thing, is now receiving all sorts of good press for its numerous healthful benefits including skin care, stress relief, weight loss, increased immunity, proper digestion and metabolism, relief from kidney problems, heart diseases, high blood pressure and diabetes.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg! Seriously! 

BUT... you must get the good stuff. I recommend organic and extra-virgin. There are lots to choose from, so do a bit of your own research, but I picked up a big jar at Costco for around $16. 

So I digress... I did say this would be a BEAUTY post...  Here ya go!

Turns out coconut oil is not just a wondrous consumable. It's also fantastic for your skin and hair. Use it as a moisturizer, deodorant, in your hair as a scalp treatment and in this great sea salt spray to keep your locks moisturized and smelling like you just spent a day at the beach (in a good way). 

8 oz *Warm water

1 tsp sea salt

1tsp coconut oil

dab of your fav hair gel

add to a spray bottle and shake it up! Voila! 

*water must be warm to dissolve the salt and oil

You can spray it on your hair damp or dry then scrunch your hair to create beautiful beachy waves. Make sure you shake up the mixture each time before use. 

Words

Is there anyone else under all of this blue like me?
Do you read words on a page discovering amazing thoughts and reread it just to feel the words once again leave your lips, your mouth so full of the rhythm and the meaty, savory, ripeness of each syllable so carefully and intentionally crafted?

Is there anyone else that feels magic when you find the precise word to describe an exact movement, emotion, action? Do you feel immense gratitude for that word that string of letters that cuts through the superfluous to deliver your message without needing to stammer or um and ah or go on and on troubling yourself with long soliloquy just to express what this one word conveys so effortlessly?

Is there anyone else who closes a book in reverence with complete surrender knowing you have been forever changed by another's story? Do you feel the real heroes are authors who find ways to shape us all by spinning their tales and revealing their hearts and unleashing their demons onto blank pages?

Is there anyone else who could spend hours alone in rooms of books and feel that you are in the epicenter of it all forgetting to eat, forgetting your name, forgetting the world exists outside and that you must reenter your life and forsake the lives and places found in the pages and hardcovers around you?

Am I alone?

Morning: a time for gratitude

Hello, sun in my face. Hello, you who made the morning and spread it over the fields and into the faces of the tulips and the nodding morning glories, and into the windows of, even, the miserable and the crotchety – best preacher that ever was, dear star, that just happens to be where you are in the universe to keep us from ever-darkness, to ease us with warm touching, to hold us in the great hands of light – good morning, good morning, good morning. Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness. | MARY OLIVER

We have an amazing gift each and every day we wake up. We have life. We have breath. And with each breath holds opportunity to learn and grow and love and help and LIVE. I like to wake each day and actually count my blessings. I may not cover them all. It would be impossible to cover them all. But, to have this time of intention and awareness in gratitude sets the tone for my entire day. And collectively, these moments of gratitude, make me a happier more focused and balanced person. 

This life is beautiful. We all have amazing gifts and opportunities for using them. If we don't give pause to reflect and recognize what we are actually doing here on planet earth... then what are we doing? 

Give your smile. Turn away from griping and complaining and moaning and groaning and all the things that steal joy and block our ability to attract the good and wonderful. We all have aches and pains, challenges and obstacles and sadness... but we are all capable of basking in joy anyway! Isn't that powerful? We can even be grateful for the challenges... the closed doors, the hurts and failures and defeats... because they make us stronger. It's all about perspective. We choose how we interpret life. You are in control. 

 Feel the sun's warmth. That is for you. See the beautiful flowers. Those are for you. Breathe in the fresh air. Feel the breeze. Hear the laughter of your loved ones. Taste the sweet juices of life... how can we not be amazed at it all?  

LOVE 

The space I need

Balance

order

simplicity

in a space 

inspires 

and motivates

the words

flow and fill up the void

and bring

warmth 

flooding my spirit

making sense of all 

the feelings

and thoughts 

that clutter

grey matter

a purpose 

for dreaming 

the complete work

I love photographs that inspire me. They usually reflect beauty... whether it is the subject or composition, it is typically a space where I would feel comfortable to write or dream or to just simply be. These two photographs do this for me. The balance I see in the simple stacking of smooth stones encourages me to focus and unclutter and meditate. The writing desk looks like a cozy, bright spot where I would love to write. I have always loved "bookshelf walls"... one day I want a room such as this. To be surrounded by books with a simple desk and chair... this is happiness. These are my dream spaces...

LOVE....

there is greatness in every moment

"I am compelled by some deep hunger of the soul, driven by a desire that will not leave me alone, to live life to the fullest. And I know this does not mean working endlessly, accomplishing the most, or consuming the greatest amount and variety of things and experiences. It means tasting each mouthful, feeling each breath, listening to each song, being awake and aware of each moment as it unfolds.” ~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer


If you are anything like me, what you set out to do on any given day, may or may not be what you are checking off your list at the end of the day. For me, I am living my life in the interrupted moments, rather than in the tasks and planned activities. When you have children ... when you have babies... this is just how it is. Sometimes I need a gentle reminder that greatness is not just reserved for the grand. My accomplishments currently are not really interesting, they do not result in a financial windfall. My recognition and praise come in the form of hugs from little arms, smiles from the faces I know best and frequently a piece of artwork that I display with pride in my home gallery (AKA refrigerator). A lot of my time, day and night, is spent breastfeeding my newest little creation. At three and a half weeks old his schedule is quite demanding. But, I alone am sustaining his life. I am so proud when someone comments that he is getting bigger, that his cheeks are looking chubbier. All of the time I spend snuggling with this little guy and nourishing him from my own body is well spent. It may not be very interesting to most, and I battle feeling shut off from the rest of the world, but then I look at his sweet face and marvel at each of his breaths. This is life. This is living. These moments are mine and his and there is nothing more important, nothing I'd rather be doing.


LOVE...

Present

Does the rain make you feel more alive?
Do the wind and fire remind you of your breath?
Does the water's coolness bathe you in the knowledge that you are present and belonging to this moment?

Stopping, breathing deeply, releasing gratitude for life... shouting it. Thank you!
My babies are here with me. Created for purpose. So lovely in their uniqueness. They look out into future with eyes beautiful and pure and open for all that is before them.
I am ablaze with passion for this life. I have gifts as simple as breathing and as complex as thought. My time is now. I am simultaneously placed living beside you, with you. Our partnership in this time is my focus and I am blessed by it. So blessed. Embracing it all in its completeness. A collective intake and exhale... intricate parts weaved to produce this present moment. I spectate in awe and participate gladly. I am honored to have membership in this life.

Home

Home:
a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also :the focus of one's domestic attention <home is where the heart is>

"Where do you feel most at home?"

 This was a prompt that I randomly flipped to this afternoon in my bedside thought Q&A a Day journal.  As I searched my mind for the answer, I began to explore what home means to me.  I arrived at this: Home is not a physical place, but more a state of mind. Home is comfort, it is safety, it is where I am the most myself. It is not a room, building or domicile. Structure, walls, windows and doors can not offer me those things. It is the people who I call my loves who make home, home. Wherever I am, if I am with my family-- my most loved people in this world-- then I am home.

My partner in life is home to me. He steadies me. He is where I rest. He is where I re-energize. Wherever he is, is where I want to be. My children are home to me, too. Their smiles, embraces and voices all breathe life into my spirit and make me know where I belong.

But beyond all of that, when I really search for the raw answer, what I know deep down is that home resides within me. I, ultimately am my home. My heart, my soul, my thoughts is where I exist. No matter what happens in my life, or where I am,  I need to tend to and care for myself so that I will always feel at home.

Loving yourself is a good start to feeling at home no matter your circumstance. Knowing who you are... having a good sense of self is imperative. I know that a lot of times women who are mothers experience a loss of self. I certainly did. I poured so much of my focus, energy, love into my children, without regret, that I forgot to do the same for me. I don't think this type of self-sacrifice benefits our little ones. What I have since discovered is that taking care of me is just as important as taking care of them.

When I am well cared for, healthy, strong, I am a better mother. When I have a genuine sense of self, when I reserve time to be involved with my own interests and passions, I model wholeness to my kids who will sooner rather than later be adults themselves. I want them to see me happy, positive, healthy, because this is what I want for them.

For me home is so much more than a clean, organized, perfect house. Home is a well-cared for self. What is home to you?

True Love vs. Toxic Love

We all love. We give love. We want love. Wouldn't it be amazing to restore health to the love we are giving and receiving-- To experience true love devoid of the toxicity from our cultural standard mainly supported by media-- songs that croon "I can't live without you," movies that boast "you complete me." It's amazing how it is the fictionalized romance that really gets us... makes us cry... makes us not only WANT but EXPECT what we are seeing and hearing. It is common for women to want to be rescued, to be swept off of her feet and live happily ever after with a partner who orbits her every thought and mood and feeling. But what are we after? What does that type of relationship really look like?


When we experience attraction to another, we find their individuality attractive. We are enamored by who they are, what they do, their abilities, their interests, their contribution to this world. Yet, for many, within a relationship, we suffocate that individuality out of our loved one because of our own extreme neediness and FEAR. This fear is steeped in codependency and low self-esteem. These are both personal issues that we poison our love with:
"I am afraid I will lose you therefore you must give up any interest, relationship, etc. that does not include me."
What I have learned recently is that it is of the highest importance to maintain autonomy in any coupling. To be in a relationship is wonderful and rewarding and it is a choice. A relationship is comprised of individuals with the common interest of loving, supporting and encouraging one another in their autonomy. 
I encourage you to understand the difference between True and Toxic love. I was blown away by how familiar the "toxic love" descriptions were to me. It is challenging to overcome years of programming. But it is my heart's desire to give and receive true love and leave behind the toxicity that has plagued my relationships.

Codependent Relationships Dynamics

This is the second in a series of articles by codependency therapist, Spiritual teacher Robert Burney about the ways in which romantic relationships in our society are set up to be dysfunctional.  This article explores the dynamics that are a normal consequence of relationships between people who have been raised in an emotionally dishonest and repressive, shame-based culture.  It does not matter how much two people love each other if they are reacting to their childhood programming in their interaction.

---

Codependent Relationships Dynamics part 2 - Dysfunctional Definition of Love

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims" 

One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that getting the relationship is the goal. 
It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after.  It continues in movies and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset.  The songs that say "I can't smile without you"  "I can't live without you"  "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - toxic love - an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power. 
Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish.  We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made.  We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.
There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after.  We are not incomplete until we find our soul mate.  We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship.
True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not  all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles.  The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a form of toxic love.
Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.)

1. Love - Development of self first priority. 

Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.  

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. 

Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness) 

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. 

Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

          4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure.

Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing. 

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) 

Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply." 

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.

Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation. 

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality. 

Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image. 

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. 

Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant. 

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. 

Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other. 

10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.) 

Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.) 

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. 

Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification. 

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone. 

Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging. 

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment. 

Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy.  There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional.  Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.
If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson. 
As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice.  That is not True Love - nor is it Loving.