Control = Exhaustion

Feeling exhausted? Most of us have good reason to be tired, but exhaustion is a whole other level. 

It could be from living life too seriously. When we set up rigid parameters in life we keep the spontaneous away, leaving us little if not any moments to be carefree. And that is exhausting...

When is the last time you laughed uncontrollably? When is the last time you did something out of your routine? When is the last time you tried something new? 

It's a tough one for me. I HAVE TO be the mom. So how do I maintain my role as responsible adult and find moments to be footloose and fancy free?

Turns out life tends to run more smoothly when you throw in a little unexpected, when you break away from your schedule and opt for the chaotic, the unreasonable, THE PANCAKES FOR DINNER ;) Because then you are allowing your self to live (you know like REALLY LIVE). When we break away from the predictable and give way to the unpredictable--  stop trying to control life and just let life happen--we can relax. And when we are in a more relaxed state of mind, we are more open to passion and excitement and energy and laughter.

It's all about control. The thing is... THE THING IS... we can't control anything but ourselves. You can plan all you want but you should also plan on your plan to not go as planned. We exhaust ourselves when we constantly try to control what we cannot control. 

So the next time you find yourself exhausted trying to stick to your plan, let go and just roll with it... it will be OK.. in fact, it will probably be better than OK. It may even turn out FANTASTIC!! 

DIY Coconut Oil and Sea Salt hair spray

So I'm taking a bit of a jump away from the norm and delving into uncharted territory here on Words... a beauty post. What, what?!?

I can't help it... I am having a serious love affair with coconut oil and I just have to share one of the little gems I've discovered using this lovely, ah-mazing, miraculous ingredient.

I love to bake and coconut oil has taken my fav chocolate chip cookies to a whole new level of epicness... try it roasting sweet potatoes, too... you will thank me. Yum!

Coconut Oil, once dismissed as a bad, bad thing, is now receiving all sorts of good press for its numerous healthful benefits including skin care, stress relief, weight loss, increased immunity, proper digestion and metabolism, relief from kidney problems, heart diseases, high blood pressure and diabetes.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg! Seriously! 

BUT... you must get the good stuff. I recommend organic and extra-virgin. There are lots to choose from, so do a bit of your own research, but I picked up a big jar at Costco for around $16. 

So I digress... I did say this would be a BEAUTY post...  Here ya go!

Turns out coconut oil is not just a wondrous consumable. It's also fantastic for your skin and hair. Use it as a moisturizer, deodorant, in your hair as a scalp treatment and in this great sea salt spray to keep your locks moisturized and smelling like you just spent a day at the beach (in a good way). 

8 oz *Warm water

1 tsp sea salt

1tsp coconut oil

dab of your fav hair gel

add to a spray bottle and shake it up! Voila! 

*water must be warm to dissolve the salt and oil

You can spray it on your hair damp or dry then scrunch your hair to create beautiful beachy waves. Make sure you shake up the mixture each time before use. 

Words

Is there anyone else under all of this blue like me?
Do you read words on a page discovering amazing thoughts and reread it just to feel the words once again leave your lips, your mouth so full of the rhythm and the meaty, savory, ripeness of each syllable so carefully and intentionally crafted?

Is there anyone else that feels magic when you find the precise word to describe an exact movement, emotion, action? Do you feel immense gratitude for that word that string of letters that cuts through the superfluous to deliver your message without needing to stammer or um and ah or go on and on troubling yourself with long soliloquy just to express what this one word conveys so effortlessly?

Is there anyone else who closes a book in reverence with complete surrender knowing you have been forever changed by another's story? Do you feel the real heroes are authors who find ways to shape us all by spinning their tales and revealing their hearts and unleashing their demons onto blank pages?

Is there anyone else who could spend hours alone in rooms of books and feel that you are in the epicenter of it all forgetting to eat, forgetting your name, forgetting the world exists outside and that you must reenter your life and forsake the lives and places found in the pages and hardcovers around you?

Am I alone?

Morning: a time for gratitude

Hello, sun in my face. Hello, you who made the morning and spread it over the fields and into the faces of the tulips and the nodding morning glories, and into the windows of, even, the miserable and the crotchety – best preacher that ever was, dear star, that just happens to be where you are in the universe to keep us from ever-darkness, to ease us with warm touching, to hold us in the great hands of light – good morning, good morning, good morning. Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness. | MARY OLIVER

We have an amazing gift each and every day we wake up. We have life. We have breath. And with each breath holds opportunity to learn and grow and love and help and LIVE. I like to wake each day and actually count my blessings. I may not cover them all. It would be impossible to cover them all. But, to have this time of intention and awareness in gratitude sets the tone for my entire day. And collectively, these moments of gratitude, make me a happier more focused and balanced person. 

This life is beautiful. We all have amazing gifts and opportunities for using them. If we don't give pause to reflect and recognize what we are actually doing here on planet earth... then what are we doing? 

Give your smile. Turn away from griping and complaining and moaning and groaning and all the things that steal joy and block our ability to attract the good and wonderful. We all have aches and pains, challenges and obstacles and sadness... but we are all capable of basking in joy anyway! Isn't that powerful? We can even be grateful for the challenges... the closed doors, the hurts and failures and defeats... because they make us stronger. It's all about perspective. We choose how we interpret life. You are in control. 

 Feel the sun's warmth. That is for you. See the beautiful flowers. Those are for you. Breathe in the fresh air. Feel the breeze. Hear the laughter of your loved ones. Taste the sweet juices of life... how can we not be amazed at it all?  

LOVE 

The space I need

Balance

order

simplicity

in a space 

inspires 

and motivates

the words

flow and fill up the void

and bring

warmth 

flooding my spirit

making sense of all 

the feelings

and thoughts 

that clutter

grey matter

a purpose 

for dreaming 

the complete work

I love photographs that inspire me. They usually reflect beauty... whether it is the subject or composition, it is typically a space where I would feel comfortable to write or dream or to just simply be. These two photographs do this for me. The balance I see in the simple stacking of smooth stones encourages me to focus and unclutter and meditate. The writing desk looks like a cozy, bright spot where I would love to write. I have always loved "bookshelf walls"... one day I want a room such as this. To be surrounded by books with a simple desk and chair... this is happiness. These are my dream spaces...

LOVE....

there is greatness in every moment

"I am compelled by some deep hunger of the soul, driven by a desire that will not leave me alone, to live life to the fullest. And I know this does not mean working endlessly, accomplishing the most, or consuming the greatest amount and variety of things and experiences. It means tasting each mouthful, feeling each breath, listening to each song, being awake and aware of each moment as it unfolds.” ~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer


If you are anything like me, what you set out to do on any given day, may or may not be what you are checking off your list at the end of the day. For me, I am living my life in the interrupted moments, rather than in the tasks and planned activities. When you have children ... when you have babies... this is just how it is. Sometimes I need a gentle reminder that greatness is not just reserved for the grand. My accomplishments currently are not really interesting, they do not result in a financial windfall. My recognition and praise come in the form of hugs from little arms, smiles from the faces I know best and frequently a piece of artwork that I display with pride in my home gallery (AKA refrigerator). A lot of my time, day and night, is spent breastfeeding my newest little creation. At three and a half weeks old his schedule is quite demanding. But, I alone am sustaining his life. I am so proud when someone comments that he is getting bigger, that his cheeks are looking chubbier. All of the time I spend snuggling with this little guy and nourishing him from my own body is well spent. It may not be very interesting to most, and I battle feeling shut off from the rest of the world, but then I look at his sweet face and marvel at each of his breaths. This is life. This is living. These moments are mine and his and there is nothing more important, nothing I'd rather be doing.


LOVE...

Present

Does the rain make you feel more alive?
Do the wind and fire remind you of your breath?
Does the water's coolness bathe you in the knowledge that you are present and belonging to this moment?

Stopping, breathing deeply, releasing gratitude for life... shouting it. Thank you!
My babies are here with me. Created for purpose. So lovely in their uniqueness. They look out into future with eyes beautiful and pure and open for all that is before them.
I am ablaze with passion for this life. I have gifts as simple as breathing and as complex as thought. My time is now. I am simultaneously placed living beside you, with you. Our partnership in this time is my focus and I am blessed by it. So blessed. Embracing it all in its completeness. A collective intake and exhale... intricate parts weaved to produce this present moment. I spectate in awe and participate gladly. I am honored to have membership in this life.

Home

Home:
a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also :the focus of one's domestic attention <home is where the heart is>

"Where do you feel most at home?"

 This was a prompt that I randomly flipped to this afternoon in my bedside thought Q&A a Day journal.  As I searched my mind for the answer, I began to explore what home means to me.  I arrived at this: Home is not a physical place, but more a state of mind. Home is comfort, it is safety, it is where I am the most myself. It is not a room, building or domicile. Structure, walls, windows and doors can not offer me those things. It is the people who I call my loves who make home, home. Wherever I am, if I am with my family-- my most loved people in this world-- then I am home.

My partner in life is home to me. He steadies me. He is where I rest. He is where I re-energize. Wherever he is, is where I want to be. My children are home to me, too. Their smiles, embraces and voices all breathe life into my spirit and make me know where I belong.

But beyond all of that, when I really search for the raw answer, what I know deep down is that home resides within me. I, ultimately am my home. My heart, my soul, my thoughts is where I exist. No matter what happens in my life, or where I am,  I need to tend to and care for myself so that I will always feel at home.

Loving yourself is a good start to feeling at home no matter your circumstance. Knowing who you are... having a good sense of self is imperative. I know that a lot of times women who are mothers experience a loss of self. I certainly did. I poured so much of my focus, energy, love into my children, without regret, that I forgot to do the same for me. I don't think this type of self-sacrifice benefits our little ones. What I have since discovered is that taking care of me is just as important as taking care of them.

When I am well cared for, healthy, strong, I am a better mother. When I have a genuine sense of self, when I reserve time to be involved with my own interests and passions, I model wholeness to my kids who will sooner rather than later be adults themselves. I want them to see me happy, positive, healthy, because this is what I want for them.

For me home is so much more than a clean, organized, perfect house. Home is a well-cared for self. What is home to you?

True Love vs. Toxic Love

We all love. We give love. We want love. Wouldn't it be amazing to restore health to the love we are giving and receiving-- To experience true love devoid of the toxicity from our cultural standard mainly supported by media-- songs that croon "I can't live without you," movies that boast "you complete me." It's amazing how it is the fictionalized romance that really gets us... makes us cry... makes us not only WANT but EXPECT what we are seeing and hearing. It is common for women to want to be rescued, to be swept off of her feet and live happily ever after with a partner who orbits her every thought and mood and feeling. But what are we after? What does that type of relationship really look like?


When we experience attraction to another, we find their individuality attractive. We are enamored by who they are, what they do, their abilities, their interests, their contribution to this world. Yet, for many, within a relationship, we suffocate that individuality out of our loved one because of our own extreme neediness and FEAR. This fear is steeped in codependency and low self-esteem. These are both personal issues that we poison our love with:
"I am afraid I will lose you therefore you must give up any interest, relationship, etc. that does not include me."
What I have learned recently is that it is of the highest importance to maintain autonomy in any coupling. To be in a relationship is wonderful and rewarding and it is a choice. A relationship is comprised of individuals with the common interest of loving, supporting and encouraging one another in their autonomy. 
I encourage you to understand the difference between True and Toxic love. I was blown away by how familiar the "toxic love" descriptions were to me. It is challenging to overcome years of programming. But it is my heart's desire to give and receive true love and leave behind the toxicity that has plagued my relationships.

Codependent Relationships Dynamics

This is the second in a series of articles by codependency therapist, Spiritual teacher Robert Burney about the ways in which romantic relationships in our society are set up to be dysfunctional.  This article explores the dynamics that are a normal consequence of relationships between people who have been raised in an emotionally dishonest and repressive, shame-based culture.  It does not matter how much two people love each other if they are reacting to their childhood programming in their interaction.

---

Codependent Relationships Dynamics part 2 - Dysfunctional Definition of Love

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims" 

One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that getting the relationship is the goal. 
It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after.  It continues in movies and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset.  The songs that say "I can't smile without you"  "I can't live without you"  "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - toxic love - an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power. 
Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish.  We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made.  We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.
There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after.  We are not incomplete until we find our soul mate.  We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship.
True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not  all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles.  The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a form of toxic love.
Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.)

1. Love - Development of self first priority. 

Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.  

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. 

Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness) 

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. 

Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

          4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure.

Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing. 

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) 

Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply." 

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.

Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation. 

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality. 

Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image. 

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. 

Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant. 

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. 

Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other. 

10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.) 

Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.) 

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. 

Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification. 

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone. 

Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging. 

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment. 

Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy.  There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional.  Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.
If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson. 
As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice.  That is not True Love - nor is it Loving. 

The Art of Mothering

To be a mother is a woman's greatest vocation in life. She is a partner with God. No being has a position of such power and influence. She holds in her hands the destiny of nations, for to her comes the responsibility and opportunity of molding the nation's citizens.-Spencer W. Kimball

With Mother's Day just one week away, and with the impending birth of my fifth child just weeks away, thoughts on mothering have flooded my mind.
My role as mother is one I have always been grateful for, but I also have moments of struggle with all that being "mom" means for me as a woman. I believe that with the birth of a child there is an immediate and obvious paradigm shift in a woman from who she was pre-baby-- Priorities are different, expectations are different, life is different.
There is a definite need for a woman to become selfless- in some this is a minor adjustment, in others a major change. I have moments where I struggle against my innate selfish nature in order to be the mom my children need. Battle scars are all over my brain and my heart. I see women who are childless and look with envy on their time. They have responsibilities-- yes. But, their free time is THEIR free time. Whether it is a vacation, sleep, gym time, shopping, nights out with friends, alone time, or time to pursue their goals and passions -- these women are free to plan and do without the encumbrance of children.
I have sacrificed a lot including my time, my body, some dreams, and some would argue... my sanity.
And yet I know I am blessed. In the times where I get caught up in self-pity because of all that motherhood requires of me, I merely have to look at or think of the sweet faces of my children and I am overcome with joy and disbelief that I am the lucky woman who gets to mother them.

Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality especially while you struggle to keep your own. -Marguerite Kelly and Elia Parsons

I marvel at moms. I feel like I am just squeaking by every day juggling so many schedules, meeting so many needs, loving so many little humans. There are many mothers out there that just seem to be in their element. They seem to have mastered the art of mothering. I want to tell each of you... YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLE WOMAN! And I want to ask... HOW?!? How do you do it? How are you up at the crack of dawn with your little ones dressed perfectly, gourmet lunches with hand-written notes packed in their lunch boxes, houses clean and organized, ready to begin your day looking amazing, dinner already planned for the evening, juggling extra-curriculars and still find time to volunteer as homeroom mom or brownie leader? I don't get it. I don't know how you do it. I am truly in awe at your dedication, your tenacity, your selfless exuberance for your task at hand-- raising and shaping the lives of your children.

Her dignity consists in being unknown to the world; her glory is in the esteem of her husband; her pleasures in the happiness of her family.-Jean Rousseau

So if you are a mom please take a few moments to recognize yourself as the AMAZING WOMAN you are. Take a few moments to do something for you every once in a while, too. And for all of the men out there with mothers and/or a woman in their life who is a mom... please don't pass up an opportunity to recognize them for what they do. Remind them that they are beautiful individuals, that their thoughts and hopes and dreams and separateness from their role as mom is important. Whether it is giving them a special day, a thoughtful gesture or a simple kind word.... show the moms out there that they deserve recognition and gratitude for all the work the art of mothering requires.

No language can express the power, and beauty, and heroism, and majesty of a mother's love.  It shrinks not where man cowers, and grows stronger where man faints, and over wastes of worldly fortunes sends the radiance of its quenchless fidelity like a star.  ~Edwin Hubbell Chapin

walking into the sun

Curled tightly in the dark
familiar, it would be easy to stay and sleep
dormant

passion and hunger grows
curiosity and hope whisper, "more. move."

the warmth and comfort of known beckons complacency
tipping into the vastness of unknown a dream to only tell

no promise
no promise
no promise

secure in the hard core
yet unsettled
aching for the stretch

posturing now for unfurling
each inching steeped in courage
fear remains but loses to exuberance in the reaching past

unbounded
feeling pure space
light appears and dark gets darker
but the beginning is done
and the thirst grows powerful

alone
no promise
alone

there are no limits
there is no blocking
only the dark space
that is now left behind

destined for the sun
armed with a taste for it
the dream is more than sleep
the unknown is here and now
letting go of shells and nets and bars

space is mine
energy, life flows into all that never was
but now
is

simply
by
touching
what was always
there

A Day

Sunrise, sunset
solitude in those moments of beginning and end
needing the quiet break with earth and sky
the view, expanding the infinite; revealing the unlimited
vibrancy washes over all that is
without a need to be seen
nothing to hear
inner thoughts quieted by the knowing, the witness of
life
consuming it all
with fire

In Pursuit of Happiness...

I discovered a great site today: The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin's blog recounting her daily adventures in pursuit of happiness.

What brought me to the site was her post on personal commandments. Rubin developed a set of 12 personal commandments, overarching principles by which she tries to live her life. Taking months to assemble, Rubin reveals the depth of thought that went into compiling this list. The post includes her list as well as her insight on how best to create one for yourself.

Happiness is a choice. It has been my own personal commitment to discover the true meaning of happiness over the past few months. What I have found through my own meditations and readings is that happiness is not something you hope to achieve through any accumulation of things, arrival at a predetermined station in life, or relationship. Happiness is an inward journey. I've realized that happiness is always there for you to choose no matter your circumstance.

Having a set of individual commandments is a wonderful way to keep you on track, however. The key is to dig deep and really personalize this set of commitments to yourself to avoid falling into the old habits that have kept you from happiness in the past.

My first inclination is to compile my list in this moment and publish it with this post. I am fighting that urge in favor of allowing myself the proper time, meditation, and thought to truly come up with a set of life-enhancing, happiness-driven principles to apply to my life. I will be working on this and will share it at the right time. I wrote about patience not too long ago. Learning how to be patient in a process is challenging but much more rewarding. Being patient with yourself, allowing yourself the proper time to achieve a goal, is directly correlated to your success in that goal. I can't imagine any goal more important than happiness. I choose to live my life happy. I want to spread happiness in all that I do. I want my children to see me happy and I want them to be happy.

"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances." - Martha Washington 

  

Whole in One

On this journey of self-discovery I am realizing I have been living as half a person. It is the common, trite and misconceived notion that we should all look for another to complete us (thank you very much Jerry Maguire). It is a notion to which I subscribed.

As I delve deep into my heart, my mind, my spirit, I realize that true completeness is only achieved when you can see yourself as already whole. When you discover that your soulmate is within, it will blow the top right off your head. And then you will see yourself as you truly are: a whole, complete and perfect energy. Beautiful. You are filled with a light so bright it can not be extinguished or dimmed.

That is not to say I don't believe that companionship, relationship and love are essential . . . I do. I believe that love is why we are here. My mission is to love better. It seems the better I become at giving love, the more I receive it. 

When we already come to love knowing we are complete-- not looking for another to fill a void or to make up where we are lacking-- we then can offer true companionship. If we are still existing as incomplete, it is likely that the relationships we keep are troubled. No other can complete YOU . . . you must do that work within yourself. Relying on another for that will never be satisfying or even possible. 

If you are already in a relationship, I challenge you as I am challenging myself to immediately release your partner from the impossible task of trying to complete you. You will probably find a rapid decline of frustration, upset and disappointment felt by you and your significant other. 

When we look to another to make us feel whole, we hold them to an impossible task and therefore will always feel dissatisfied with their performance. True love is found when there is no expectation or need. True love happens when we are simply left to offer another compassion, support, a respite from all the demands outside. 

Say, "Come and be with me. Come rest. Come laugh. Come play. Come share life with me." This is much different than a demanding, needy and selfish love most of us are programmed to accept and give. Think about the love you are giving. Is it conditional? Do you withhold your love if you feel your requirements and needs are not being met? Do you only match the level of compassion, emotion, energy another is showing you at any given moment-- never giving more or first? Do you wait for another to be kind, or give you what you need before offering kindness or meeting a need in someone you love? Why? 

These are hard questions I've asked myself recently. Getting honest answers was a struggle. But once I shed the act of loving in search of real love in action, it was a discovery like no other. My focus is to offer myself in my relationships and to this life as a whole person. I am aware that no other can meet my needs. I am not seeking fulfillment. I am no longer armed with expectations. I am here to love unconditionally. 

The Power of Touch

I just returned from a much-needed massage. The hour I spent in the experienced hands of a woman I have never met left me feeling relaxed, helped ease my pain throughout my neck and shoulders and dulled the persistent headache I have been plagued with for weeks. 


Beyond the physical benefits of this massage, I am also aware and astounded by the more positive state of being I am now experiencing. The simple act of her touch . . . her hands in constant contact with my body . . . nourished more than just my aching, tight and knotted muscles. It helped to fill one of my basic needs-- the need to be touched. 


Since reading Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages several years ago, I have known that my personal love language is Physical Touch. I don't know if this means my need for touch is greater than the next person, I just know that when I'm touched-- whether that is a hug, kiss, embrace or simple caress-- I feel loved. Conversely, when I am not touched for a period of time I start to feel unloved, ignored, and abandoned.

"Whatever there is of me resides in my body. To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally." -The Five Love Languages

There is myriad research in the area of touch. I remember learning about Harry Harlow's classic, although controversial, isolation and maternal-separation experiments on rhesus monkeys in my high school AP Psychology class (many, many years ago). The experiment was pivotal in that it proved the need for contact comfort  in a time when it was common advice to limit and avoid bodily contact in an attempt to avoid spoiling children. 

And now we have the recent emergence of healing touch. Healing touch is "an energy (biofield) therapy that encompasses a group of non-invasive techniques that utilize the hands to clear, energize, and balance the human and environmental energy fields" (http://www.healingtouch.net/). Forms of healing touch include energy therapy, Energy Field Disturbance and Reiki, a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. My sister, a student of Reiki, has performed this touch technique on me and from it I've experienced amazing benefits.

It is administered by laying on hands and is based on the idea that an unseen life force energy flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one's life force energy is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy.

The concept of laying on hands is not new. It is ancient and part of many spiritual paths, perhaps best known in Christianity. 

“They shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover” (Mark 16:18)

Healing Touch is used to energize, restore, and balance an energy field disturbance, or harm of the body, mind, and spirit.  The detected energy can be equalized by therapists who pass their hands over the patient’s body.  It is as if the practitioners take over as the human energy support system until the person’s own system can function.  Ultimately, when energy flows freely throughout the body, the person is healthy.  Typically, healing touch involves meditation, aromatherapy, sounds, and spiritual journeys.     

So the next time you have a chance to offer a positive touch to your loved ones, whether it is your friend, child, parent, sibling, or spouse/mate . . . do it with intent and with the understanding that your touch might be just what they need to overcome a negative feeling, pain or hurt. Just as our  words are powerful, so is our touch.

Success and Failure: The Lies We Believe

Do you ever feel like the whole world is against you? Do you feel like everyone and everything is conspiring to make certain you fail at whatever it is you are wanting to accomplish, become, attain?

I have felt this way countless times and become slave to the story I tell myself about how I can't . . . I convince myself easily of this nonsense and absurdity as if it were the ultimate truth. This amazing discovery was completed for me last night in an interaction I had with my oldest daughter. A mirror was held in front of my face as she reflected an exact behavior I have worked hard at overcoming.

Teetering on the precipice of that wonderful age of adolescence, my 11-year-old is entering into a time of new feelings, of confusion, of discovery-- she is experiencing an awakening. She is realizing that she is no longer child and not yet adult. She is learning how to accept success and failure-- both with grace.

My daughter has an amazing voice. She sings beautifully with an innate sense for tone and pitch. Her dream is to pursue her talent professionally and has taken the first step toward this goal by auditioning for the school of the arts vocal magnet program where we live. Soon she will find out whether she is accepted. The problem is acceptance is not purely audition-based. There is a complicated lottery system that also prioritizes applicants.

Last night we discussed all of the factors that could possibly prevent her from being accepted, assuring her that even though we think she has an amazing talent, she still needs to prepare herself for the possibility of not being accepted.

She promptly burst into tears. What did she hear?

-We think she won't be accepted
-We don't believe in her
-We don't think she's good enough
-We aren't encouraging her

This is actually what she said she heard. How did the communication get so twisted?

Wow! This was not what we said AT ALL! How did she hear something completely different then what we said?

My theory is she already had a story in her head about herself, about her audition, about what we thought. It really didn't matter what we said. She had already made up her mind about what she was going to hear before we said it. When we said she might not get into the school, she heard that the reason was because she wasn't good enough. What we actually said was that she might not get in because although she has tremendous talent, unfortunately admissions are also decided by non-talent related factors.

And then I realized that I am guilty of this exact tendency. The truth is we can all twist, obstruct, deny, confuse, and taint truth and fact with our own stories that are not based on anything but emotion, feeling and, to be quite frank, the lies we readily tell ourselves and easily believe.

Lately I've questioned why it is so easy for me to accept negative thoughts about who I am and why I am so reluctant to accept the positive affirmations I could tell myself or even hear from others. I've arrived at this: it's a lot more comfortable to stay stuck in wanting something then actually doing it. The difference between success and failure is action! Yes, there may be obstacles along the way but what great thing is not met without resistance?  So, I tell myself I can't, I am not good enough, I will never make it and then I believe it and I'm off the hook. 


It is much easier to stay put and never try whatever it is that is your dream or goal because then you are guaranteed not to fail. Right?

WRONG!


If you never try you ALWAYS fail. You are guaranteed to fail. So my commitment to myself is to dismiss the negative, self-depracating jargon in my head as lies. I, instead, choose to believe that I am gifted, capable and ready to achieve my personal goals, desires and dreams. I just have to act and do and begin. 


The truth is this life, this existence is on your side . . . conspiring on your behalf . . . giving you opportunities to succeed at whatever it is you are on this earth to do. We are all necessary. We all have abilities and talents and gifts that work together to make this life, this earth, this time, amazing.  If you never begin to pursue your uniqueness and offer it to the world, the world misses out on YOU.

"You are not accidental. Existence needs you. Without you something will be missing in existence and nobody can replace it. . . everything in the universe will feel a small place is vacant, which cannot be filled by anybody except you. This gives you a tremendous joy, a fulfillment that you are related to existence, and existence cares for you. Once you are clean and clear, you can see tremendous love falling on you from all dimensions." Osho

So the next time you are seeking validation from others on all the negative lies you are telling yourself about how you are not good enough and that the whole world is conspiring against you and your ability to achieve, remember who you are. You know that you are wonderful, powerful and specifically created . . . start acting like it.

"If you've been feeling like the world is out to get you, it's time to take a break. Go outside tonight and look at the stars." Osho 

My love

Your name is love
 hope
 chance
 forever
 always mine

I am yours


Unknown but perfectly planned
your presence is now 
blessing all that will be


Thank you my love

Simplifying and creating Harmony

I have a bad habit of over-thinking. I tend to analyze words, tones, expressions to a fault. I'm constantly replaying interactions in my head.

Why did she say that?

Why did he look at me that way?

Why DIDN'T she or he do or say this or that?

What did that (insert any interaction) REALLY mean?

It turns out it all stems from expectations we place on others to say or perform or do exactly how we think they should. When did I become so full of myself? When did I decide that how I think others should behave is correct or the only way? Reality check... I am not in control of anyone else but me. The frustration, anger, hurt comes when we think otherwise.

Today I am practicing simplifying my thoughts. Turns out I don't need to think so much. I can free myself of a lot of mental space if I simply release the need to try and understand why people say or do things the way they choose. I can instead let it be what it is, move on and not create meaning in it.

My desire is harmony. I am seeking harmony within myself, thereby creating harmony wherever I am.
We can choose to be complex, living in discord and bogged down in all of the unnecessary, or we can simplify by beginning to unclutter our minds of that inner-dialogue that gets us locked up in emotional prison.

Lead with your heart not your mind. Cultivate love, compassion and empathy and give it freely. Then we can begin to treat ourselves and others with kindness and let others be who they are without making them wrong. We can give up trying to control everything... instead focus that energy on controlling yourself.

"But only a simple heart throbs with God, hand in hand. Only a simple heart sings with God in deep harmony. To reach to that point you will have to find your heart, your own throb, your own beat." Osho, Dang Dang Doko Dang 

Presence and Totality

My 9-year-old daughter, Megan, has incredible focus. When she is involved in a task, she is completely absorbed in it seemingly unaware of the people, activity, and noises around her. As her mother, it fascinates me but also frustrates me if I have to call her name several times before she is even aware I'm speaking to her.

This ability of hers is actually a gift. It is the gift of totality--To be totally immersed in a task... giving it your all... all of your attention, focus and ability. If we all could apply this to each moment, taking one step through life at a time, giving each step your complete attention and energy, we could bring a wondrous new vitality and creativity to all we do. 

There is so much to be done in a day. For me, I have four children, I work part time, I have a household to run. There are countless tasks to complete, many projects and schedules to accomplish and maintain. It is at times overwhelming if I look at all of it at once. I am learning to become a list maker to stop this feeling of being overwhelmed. In my notes app on my phone I now have several lists helping me to organize mine and my family's lives. I keep a list for shopping, for cleaning, for chores, for organizational projects, for purchases. It has helped me tremendously to unclutter my head. Now I can spend my time actually completing a task on one of my lists instead of using that time and energy trying to remember what it is I need to do. 

What I am discovering is that I need to work on being completely present in the moment no matter what I'm doing. My lesson today is totality--Giving each moment my complete and total attention. 

There are tasks we all find boring. It is easy to forget the importance in your work no matter how menial we think the task is. It is not what you are doing, however, it is how you are doing it. It is a lesson I am trying to teach my girls as well. We are learning this one together. If we are washing the dishes, or scrubbing the toilet, or taking out the garbage, or mopping the floor, it is important that we are totally in the moment doing our best to complete that job. If we can do this in the boring, no fun, moments we can certainly apply this in the moments we are more passionate about. It is a habit to form and apply in all we do. 

Newness and Healing in today

Today, I woke up thinking about just today. How, on this day, I am alive, and that this day is a gift. It is new. I am new. Yesterday is finished. Today is just beginning.

Each day we are given a new opportunity. Did you fail yesterday? Today you can succeed! Did you feed your body junk yesterday? Today you can empower yourself with good nutrition! Were you impatient yesterday? Today you can be patient! Were you unkind yesterday? Today you can show compassion, empathy, love, acceptance. Yesterday is now only a tool to show you how today is full of possibility that you may have forgotten or been reluctant to pursue. Today we can begin!

Before my feet hit the floor I made sure to take a few moments spent in gratitude. I am grateful for so much that I forget to even give pause to recognize. What a refreshing way to begin the day.

And as I ate my breakfast, I pulled a card... HEALING! How amazing... How perfect. I am in the midst of a healing season. Not only am I healing from physical sickness, but also emotional and mental. I am in a whole body metamorphosis. I am a chrysalis.

An excerpt from the commentary on Healing:

"It is a time when the deeply buried wounds of the past are coming to the surface, ready and available to be healed. The figure in this card is naked, vulnerable, open to the loving touch of existence. The aura around his body is full of light, and the quality of relaxation, caring and love that surrounds him is dissolving his struggle and suffering. 

Be aware of your wound. Don't help it to grow, let it be healed; and it will be healed only when you move to the roots. The less the head, the more the wound will heal; with no head there is no wound. Live a headless life. Move as a total being, and accept things. Just for twenty-four hours, try it-- total acceptance, whatsoever happens." 

So in this new day, I am whole. To be completely candid for a moment, I want to reveal that I have recently battled a bout of postpartum depression. My first instinct was to medicate. I did not trust my  power and ability to overcome this challenge on my own. In the past week or so something changed in me, however. I suddenly realized I can trust myself. I stopped taking my prescribed anti-depressant. It is amazing how much better I feel. To be perfectly clear, I am not advocating or dismissing the need for medication. This is MY personal journey. I simply feel the need to share my experience as a way to document and journal. It just so happens I don't mind doing it in a public forum for the small chance my words resonate with just one... or many. :)

I will accept this day whatsoever happens. I will not bury my hurt or deny past wounds. Instead I choose to be open to love, caring and allow healing. I am letting go...

Patience...

I am becoming keenly aware that life has a funny way of making sure you really understand a lesson before you move on from it. My current lesson is patience. This is what I have focused on the past few days: being patient in the here and now . . . no matter what the circumstance. I am in a stage in life where there is so much I want to be different, whether it is simply healing from this nagging cough I've had for over two weeks, or as important as the complete healing of past hurts in a relationship. I am learning that being patient through the process is part of what brings us the outcome.

When our bodies are sick, in order to be well, we must promote healing with rest, nourishment, sometimes medicine. When we are wanting a specific outcome or result in a situation, we must also get comfortable with the process. We must do good work in the interim, learning how to be the person we need to be in order to be successful with that intended result. Otherwise we will be incapable of flourishing in the new because we failed to learn what we needed to move away from the old. We can get so hell-bent on wanting what we think we deserve, what we think we need, that we forget to recognize what it is life is trying to teach us in order to give us that want or need. We must take the opportunity to be patient and focus on what is required to transform us from this to that.

So in life's amazing way of helping us to really see what it is that we are missing, sometimes you just get dealt the right card. In my case it was the "patience" card, literally, in my Osho Zen Tarot Deck. Bam! Life said, "here, Cheryl, let me just write it out for you verbatim." The following is an excerpt from the commentary:

". . . now is a time when all that is required is to be simply alert, patient, waiting. 

We have forgotten how to wait; it is almost an abandoned space. And it is our greatest treasure to be able to wait for the right moment. The whole existence waits for the right moment. Even trees know it-- when it is time to bring the flowers and when it is time to let go of all the leaves and stand naked against the sky. They are still beautiful in that nakedness, waiting for the new foliage with a great trust that the old has gone, and the new will soon be coming . . .

We have forgotten to wait, we want everything in a hurry. It is a great loss to humanity . . . In silence and waiting something inside you goes on growing -- your authentic being. And one day it jumps and becomes a flame, and your whole personality is shattered; you are a new man."

I am challenging myself to be patient and learn what it is that I've missed in order to move from where I no longer wish to be to the greatness that is ahead. I am challenging myself to not be in a hurry to get there but to spend the time, to be thankful for the time, to grow and acquire and transform completely. I'm not ready yet for what is not in the now. My present is perfect even without the results I am looking forward to in the future. This is a beautiful time...

 

The power of WORDS

Words

I'm meditating today on the First Agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements, A Toltec Wisdom Book. 

Be impeccable with your word.

Our words are powerful, whether spoken or internally thought. We create, we manifest everything through our word. What are you telling yourself right now? How do you treat YOU? Are you loving and kind? Do you forgive yourself and offer grace when you fall short? 

When you are impeccable with your word, you take responsibility for your actions, but you do not blame or judge yourself. Being impeccable with your word is directing your energy toward truth and love for yourself. Loving yourself is the first step to loving others. Speak kindly to yourself and you will find that your communication with others will be kinder. 

The power in a word is irrefutable. Think about the people you like to be around. Do they uplift you with their words or are they offering damaging statements? I have had a "bad day" completely dissolve just because of one kind word, whether spoken from a loved one or a perfect stranger. We are that powerful. Our words are THAT POWERFUL!

Be aware that your mind is a fertile ground. When you become impeccable with your word, your mind is no longer a fertile ground for negativity. You are no longer susceptible to the damaging words others may speak knowingly or unknowingly. You already know the truth. Make your mind a fertile space for the words that come from love and dismiss the rest. 

"With the impeccability of the word you can transcend the dream of fear and live a different life. You can live in heaven in the middle of thousands of people living in hell because you are immune to that hell" ~ Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements.