It's a Brand New Day

Journey Day 1

I am the mother of four beautiful girls ages 11 to 4 months. I am fully aware that my role as "mom" is highly influential in their lives... these incredible beautiful beings are in my charge and I want them to learn positivity, health and happiness. I want them to embrace life with fervor and enjoy moments with presence. I see in them their potential and realize I have forgotten my own.
Here it is... accountability! I promise to fuel my body with healthful choices, to forgive moments of weakness, to speak kindly to myself at all times, to seek betterment in all areas, to not get discouraged or accept defeat, to remember every day is a gift filled with infinite possibility! Yeah!
Join me? Create your life...

Love!
CW

Wood

unfinish the finish
ringing circles through the grain
the steps
are steep
and
the forgetting
has
been
done
for quite some time
but the pressure remains
against
that dresser

Climbing

Pulled this book The Four Agreements, A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz, from the shelf today. It's one from college when, like most, I was much less cynical, much less myopic in my pursuit of love, happiness and the spiritual. I always thought life to be a constant progression, moving me forward in my path to gain wisdom. I have discovered, however, this is not the case for me. Instead, life has occurred for me more like a game of Chutes and Ladders. I have times of climbing ladders where I feel I've gained a certain wisdom and then Bam! a rough patch hits and down I slide into a state of vulnerability and stagnation. In these times of decline, I resort to those habits (stubbornness, negativity, hopelessness) that have proven detrimental to my happiness.
The Four Agreements is a must re-read. Within these pages are words holding the power of transformation. It is not coincidental that most life-philosophies that resonate within my heart and spirit have a very similar platform: personal integrity, clear communication and a realization that our inner-dialogue-- our own words we speak to ourselves are powerful influences on how we perceive and behave in this precious life we've been given.
I must go read now. I have my hot tea. My new beautiful Kasya is napping and there is nothing pressing other than my own desire for climbing.
My last thought here is what if we all were apt to turn our focus inward, if we all as a collective pursued personal happiness ... how would this Earth, this humanity look?

CW

scales

Chin trembles
the tell I can't escape
shaken words
that come out mashed
and muddy
the anticipated return
your return
that happened
but not to me

and the silence explodes

sometimes the absence
reveals more
attuned to expression
and eye flickers
blinks
and inaudible pleas

what isn't said
makes the most sense
in the conversations
that drone on with no resolution
no lightening
no quickening
the life is drained
it never really began

and we never happened
I never even captured the
times when I thought it was truth
gone before I knew I needed to remember
the moments because it was over for you
before I could find my balance

Anticipation

wishing winds

blow through the night

branched roots in the grounds

fertile

sway with the tickle of the thoughts and dreams 

and passions

of the silent voices 

sending out 

their hopes and desires

into the 

vastness of 

future 

of 

tomorrow

of 

time

endless and light

with possibility

growing and revolving around 

the life chord

a life forms from 

two beats

before plans and paths 

were even formed

emergence 

with soft breath and 

first cry

expression of needs

before wants

love at the core

basic and pure

life 

Mind over Matter

"By clinging to your resentments, you rob yourself of your power, peace of mind, and your ability to create yourself anew."

Lately I have had more happy days than not, but those old demons, old patterns of thought, old and destructive habits of clinging with a death-grip to wrongs done to me creep up if I’m not careful. It steals my joy and undermines my happiness. The sad thing is I forget my own power to control it.

Truthfully, it is exhausting to keep up with a running tally of wrongs. It takes up space in my spirit when I store away pain, hurt, anger and resentment. When I free that space and let go of those negative feelings I am instantly and perfectly aware of a new lightness that is physically, emotionally and spiritually palpable.

I am inspired by words. I am inspired by wise words. I read the sage advice daily from @allowhappiness on Twitter and find myself stopping to meditate on the thoughts of those who have unlocked the secret to their own happiness. I am grateful for their journey and even more grateful for their ability to share their discoveries through their words. My struggles are not new; my battles are not unique. I am in a fight to overcome my own negative self and all that it takes is letting my more authentic self emerge… the me that smiles and loves and is invested not only in my own happiness but the happiness of those around me. We are all so full of power. We all possess the power to change our thoughts, which essentially changes who we are.

What I am learning is that if I am unhappy, it is only because I am choosing to be unhappy. If I am angry, I choose it. Moments of emotion occur… we can’t stop that. But what we choose to do with it is within our control. Feel in the moment, acknowledge it, let it go. We can truly become powerful when we realize that our happiness is only affected by our own thoughts… not the words, or actions of what is occurring around us.

Read Elie Wiesel’s ‘Night’  … an autobiographical work based on Wiesel’s experiences as a prisoner in the Auschwitz, Buna, and Buchenwald concentration camps. It is an amazing testament to the powers of the human mind to control one’s experience.

"This is the renaissance. This is the beginning of being able to discover that you are the creator of your own experience." ~Abraham-Hicks

Much love,
CW

paths

following the lead that leads to unsatisfied want
I turn
choosing the present, the now, fulfilled

no more than here
no less than possible

open

receiving the flow of energy, life, love, light
blocks placed only at the cracks
where darkness creeps and
joy erodes

and when darkened days approach
all around becomes still
I know my name
and reality crystal
will shine brightly forward
within

the opportunity in now

To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing.  ~Eva Young

If there is an art to procrastination, I have mastered it. I was thinking this morning about all of the tasks I could be completing. If only thoughts equaled action. 

More specifically, I was thinking about how I am highly motivated to do something at the wrong time and lose that fervor when it becomes the right time. As an example, I am currently obsessed with wanting to work out, to really get in great shape... I must mention I am 7 months pregnant. Coincidence? I think not. Pre-pregnancy, I was only moderately motivated to get to the gym, but I would daydream about how I would make sure my diet was perfect if I were to ever get pregnant again... I write this as I finish a venti cappuccino from Starbucks and pop the 10th chocolate covered almond in my happy mouth... (sorry N).

On my current To Do list: 

1. Purge and pack our home (two adults, three girls) to move in one month to a new house

2. Complete an online Real Estate course

3. Register our four-year-old for preschool

4. Enroll our 9- and 10- year old in a new elementary school 

5. Research and register girls in extra curricular activities

These are the priorities... of course, there is more. I list these here for my own accountability.  It has worked so far for me in the other areas in my life I'm focused on improving... my discovery: if I write it then I do it. Hopefully I'll experience a breakthrough in this endeavor as well. This could be my own Stranger than Fiction ... afterall, we truly are the author of our lives. Anything is possible...



The best way to get something done is to begin.  ~Author Unknown


much love,
CW

wisdom in love

A woman I adore recently revealed to me some words packed with wisdom that have completely changed the way I think...

"When we love someone, we think the best of them ... not the worst."

My immediate application was to use this as a way to validate my anger at the way some people in my life have judged me incorrectly. The real breakthrough, however, comes when we seek wisdom and apply that wisdom to create a newness in ourselves; our own thoughts; our own ways. My only focus is to better myself; not to change, or worse, to vilify others.

What I am discovering is that loving myself is directly correlated to how well I love others. It's a fantastic discovery.  And at the heart of those wise words is this lesson: When we love ourselves, we think the best about who we are... not the worst.

I leave you with more wise words dedicated to love. Love yourself. Be kind to you. Speak gently to yourself and that will radiate in every action and every word you provide to others.

“Something inside you emerges….an innate, indwelling peace, stillness, aliveness. It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence. It is what you had been looking for in the love object. It is yourself.”
- Eckhart Tolle

“Find the love you seek, by first finding the love within yourself. Learn to rest in that place within you that is your true home.”

- Sri Sri Ravi Shankar 

For more visit 101 Loving Yourself Quotes

Much love,
CW

elements

Fire. hot words. hot thoughts.
feeling too much of that burning to protect the layers underneath.

Ice. cold touch. cold comfort.
no connection to the fleshy part of pain.

Diving in face first. eyes open. mouth open.
heart forgotten.

leaving prints of embracing and the faintest fever for another kiss. another time.
gone.

shivering and shaking. emerging more lost than found. grasping the air lingering with the scent of moments passed.

passed by. passed through. passed over.

the power of your mind

"The beauty of life is that everything that happens is meaningless. It is the meaning you choose to give it that matters." ~ Bashar

Words are powerful--Whether they are written, or spoken, or thought. I am taking a step away from the words I write and focusing on the words I think (of course I am compelled to write about this journey, however). These words need some attention. That inner voice of mine is loud, obnoxious, and extremely negative.
It is a freedom like no other to unlock the power of your thoughts. To say "no matter what is occurring, what the circumstance, I choose happiness." Our feelings, our thoughts are merely choices we make. I am on a journey dedicated to happiness. When I begin to feel negative thoughts creeping in, I am choosing now to breathe and refocus my thoughts, my energy on joy.

"You will never, ever find any higher or better or wiser guidance than your own inner  voice." ~ Chief Joseph

I have abandoned that familiar inner voice full of criticism and negativity, and I am intent on replacing it with a kinder, gentler, calmer, saner, softer voice that breathes love, compassion and encouragement into my life.

"Nothing stands between you and anything you desire other than your own patterns of thought." ~ Abraham-Hicks 

It is challenging to turn from the known to the unknown, especially when it encompasses a way of being. But, thankfully I have been blessed with key people in my life who have gone before me in this journey and exemplify success. I am in a state of gratitude for their example.

"Don't be scared if negative thoughts and feeling come up for you. Breathe and refocus." ~ Dr. Jennifer Howard

I share this inner journey with you outwardly because I feel that I am not alone in this. I don't believe it an exaggeration to say that we all suffer from an incapability to filter circumstance correctly. It is merely a choice to recognize that the difference between fulfillment and unfulfillment; happiness and unhappiness; even success and failure is determined by perception. We are all so powerful. Anything is possible. You control your happiness with your thoughts. Every emotion you experience is guidance that shows you who you are being in relation to the allowing or resisting of your own essential nature.

"Happiness is your nature. It is not wrong to desire it. What is wrong is seeking it outside when it is inside." ~Ramana Maharshi

With much love and hope, joy and happiness,

CW

A love letter

It is only when we have the courage 
to face things exactly as they are, 
without any self-deception or illusion, 
that a light will develop out of events, 
by which the path to success may be recognized.—I Ching

The past couple of years have been challenging if I could only use one word to describe them. To sum up, I have ended relationships and began relationships; I have learned much about life, pain, love and forgiveness; I have learned even more about people—specifically myself.

I have done so much blind living, making choices without much thought as to their affect. Most of my decisions were/are made with importance placed on emotion, fleeting mostly. It is a debilitating way to live.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness and letting go. If you know me at all, you know I am stubborn. I demand understanding and forgiveness, yet I am selfish in giving the same to the people in my life whom I love the most. Instead, I opt to hang on to past hurts so tightly in an effort to avoid being hurt again. The wall goes up. Access denied. Instead of this working as a way to self-preserve… I am instead pickling in a briny stew of despair.

I have reached a place now where I realize that I must make a change. To have the love in my life that I want, that I deserve, I must move past old hurts. I must let go of my need for validation and vindication. I must love to receive love. And that starts with myself. I must love me. I must forgive me.

To write this with candor is difficult. I am exposing the weakest part of who I am. But, I seek freedom in it. I seek freedom from emotional prison. I let go of hurt. I let go of anger. I let go of despair. I let go of apathy. I let go of mistrust. I let go of negativity.

I let it all go and open up that space to invite in happiness, joy, success and love.

I promise to move my focus away from the past and toward the present and the future with renewed effort every day. I promise to love better and forgive quicker and let go forever.

I make this promise to myself and to those I love. Thank you for loving me through it. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for contributing your beauty to my life.

I love you.

-CW

To my Megan... my beautiful first born...

i love you.
with your first cry my heart exploded
and became infinite in size to stretch to a capacity
large enough
to hold you

you are light
you are possibilities
endless

you are my breath
and my hope
i realize my
limits
when I watch you
and see the limitless in you

your dreams are big
your words are true
your life is
my greatest achievement

Philosphy, Religion, egoism…

Humans are amazing and complicated and intelligently designed with some serious room for user error.  It seems we are all critics and feel quite justified in our criticism of others because we are masters of manipulation --especially in creating justifications. It is convenient to have a Bible with so much left to interpretation… we all suddenly are at peace with our sweeping creative license.

I am typically unimpressed with anyone who uses the Bible to back up his or her argument of how another should live. We all know how to pick cherries.  That’s not to say I think the Bible shouldn’t be revered or that I don’t believe in its power… I do.  But I believe it is intended for personal use. Make it your rulebook and use it purposefully in how you are living your life.

I am skeptical of people, their motives and their agendas. This has nothing to do with God. Humans are fallible even in their pursuit of God, their use of religion and their treatment of their brothers and sisters in Christ. We all think we know how others should live. If you were suddenly put in charge of another’s life today, do you honestly think you could live it better? You couldn’t because we can only be ourselves. We are all intricately pieced to be unique.

In his essay on ethical egoism, I believe James Rachels explains it best:

▪                                  "Each of us is intimately familiar with our own individual wants and needs. Moreover, each of us is uniquely placed to pursue those wants and needs effectively. At the same time, we know the desires and needs of others only imperfectly, and we are not well situated to pursue them. Therefore, it is reasonable to believe that if we set out to be 'our brother's keeper,' we would often bungle the job and end up doing more mischief than good."

▪                                  To pursue actively the interests of others is to be officious. We should mind our own business and allow others to mind theirs.

▪                                  To give charity to someone is to degrade him, implying as it does that he is reliant on such munificence and quite unable to look out for himself. "That," reckons Rachels, "is why the recipients of 'charity' are so often resentful rather than appreciative.”

At any given moment I am thinking about much. I’m thinking about my children. I’m thinking about food. I’m thinking about my loved ones, my friends, people I miss. I’m thinking about favorite moments. I’m thinking of comfort and discomfort. I’m thinking of ideas and plans to better myself and my life.

 I am not thinking of how I could live your life better or what you should do to live your life better according to me or any chosen philosophy, religion or flight of whimsy I am currently subscribing to for my own life. If I were, there is much I should/could attend to that would be left neglected.

Spider

Rocking to the center where

Life met life

And the middle became the edge

Flying the smooth ride

Rising closer to the crest

Falling without gravity

Your eyes are cooing

A slow hum

A low tune

Inaudible chants

Inexplicable rants

try.try.try.try.try.try.try.try.try.

I have proposed war. I have won already.

Your flag is flying above your head with eyes that won’t look up.

Choked by words you never owned or earned.

Your voice leaves sick trails of lingering ash.

And I am deaf to that sound and lost on that path.

Sad attempts at reality is all you know. Hiding behind the ugly made beautiful by verse and venom sweetened by valor.

Reaching through and twisting a grip on a small shivering soul.

Screaming so silently…