True Love vs. Toxic Love

We all love. We give love. We want love. Wouldn't it be amazing to restore health to the love we are giving and receiving-- To experience true love devoid of the toxicity from our cultural standard mainly supported by media-- songs that croon "I can't live without you," movies that boast "you complete me." It's amazing how it is the fictionalized romance that really gets us... makes us cry... makes us not only WANT but EXPECT what we are seeing and hearing. It is common for women to want to be rescued, to be swept off of her feet and live happily ever after with a partner who orbits her every thought and mood and feeling. But what are we after? What does that type of relationship really look like?


When we experience attraction to another, we find their individuality attractive. We are enamored by who they are, what they do, their abilities, their interests, their contribution to this world. Yet, for many, within a relationship, we suffocate that individuality out of our loved one because of our own extreme neediness and FEAR. This fear is steeped in codependency and low self-esteem. These are both personal issues that we poison our love with:
"I am afraid I will lose you therefore you must give up any interest, relationship, etc. that does not include me."
What I have learned recently is that it is of the highest importance to maintain autonomy in any coupling. To be in a relationship is wonderful and rewarding and it is a choice. A relationship is comprised of individuals with the common interest of loving, supporting and encouraging one another in their autonomy. 
I encourage you to understand the difference between True and Toxic love. I was blown away by how familiar the "toxic love" descriptions were to me. It is challenging to overcome years of programming. But it is my heart's desire to give and receive true love and leave behind the toxicity that has plagued my relationships.

Codependent Relationships Dynamics

This is the second in a series of articles by codependency therapist, Spiritual teacher Robert Burney about the ways in which romantic relationships in our society are set up to be dysfunctional.  This article explores the dynamics that are a normal consequence of relationships between people who have been raised in an emotionally dishonest and repressive, shame-based culture.  It does not matter how much two people love each other if they are reacting to their childhood programming in their interaction.

---

Codependent Relationships Dynamics part 2 - Dysfunctional Definition of Love

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims" 

One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that getting the relationship is the goal. 
It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after.  It continues in movies and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset.  The songs that say "I can't smile without you"  "I can't live without you"  "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - toxic love - an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power. 
Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish.  We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made.  We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.
There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after.  We are not incomplete until we find our soul mate.  We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship.
True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not  all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles.  The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a form of toxic love.
Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.)

1. Love - Development of self first priority. 

Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.  

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. 

Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness) 

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. 

Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

          4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure.

Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing. 

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) 

Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply." 

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.

Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation. 

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality. 

Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image. 

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. 

Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant. 

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. 

Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other. 

10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.) 

Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.) 

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. 

Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification. 

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone. 

Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging. 

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment. 

Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy.  There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional.  Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.
If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson. 
As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice.  That is not True Love - nor is it Loving. 

The Art of Mothering

To be a mother is a woman's greatest vocation in life. She is a partner with God. No being has a position of such power and influence. She holds in her hands the destiny of nations, for to her comes the responsibility and opportunity of molding the nation's citizens.-Spencer W. Kimball

With Mother's Day just one week away, and with the impending birth of my fifth child just weeks away, thoughts on mothering have flooded my mind.
My role as mother is one I have always been grateful for, but I also have moments of struggle with all that being "mom" means for me as a woman. I believe that with the birth of a child there is an immediate and obvious paradigm shift in a woman from who she was pre-baby-- Priorities are different, expectations are different, life is different.
There is a definite need for a woman to become selfless- in some this is a minor adjustment, in others a major change. I have moments where I struggle against my innate selfish nature in order to be the mom my children need. Battle scars are all over my brain and my heart. I see women who are childless and look with envy on their time. They have responsibilities-- yes. But, their free time is THEIR free time. Whether it is a vacation, sleep, gym time, shopping, nights out with friends, alone time, or time to pursue their goals and passions -- these women are free to plan and do without the encumbrance of children.
I have sacrificed a lot including my time, my body, some dreams, and some would argue... my sanity.
And yet I know I am blessed. In the times where I get caught up in self-pity because of all that motherhood requires of me, I merely have to look at or think of the sweet faces of my children and I am overcome with joy and disbelief that I am the lucky woman who gets to mother them.

Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality especially while you struggle to keep your own. -Marguerite Kelly and Elia Parsons

I marvel at moms. I feel like I am just squeaking by every day juggling so many schedules, meeting so many needs, loving so many little humans. There are many mothers out there that just seem to be in their element. They seem to have mastered the art of mothering. I want to tell each of you... YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLE WOMAN! And I want to ask... HOW?!? How do you do it? How are you up at the crack of dawn with your little ones dressed perfectly, gourmet lunches with hand-written notes packed in their lunch boxes, houses clean and organized, ready to begin your day looking amazing, dinner already planned for the evening, juggling extra-curriculars and still find time to volunteer as homeroom mom or brownie leader? I don't get it. I don't know how you do it. I am truly in awe at your dedication, your tenacity, your selfless exuberance for your task at hand-- raising and shaping the lives of your children.

Her dignity consists in being unknown to the world; her glory is in the esteem of her husband; her pleasures in the happiness of her family.-Jean Rousseau

So if you are a mom please take a few moments to recognize yourself as the AMAZING WOMAN you are. Take a few moments to do something for you every once in a while, too. And for all of the men out there with mothers and/or a woman in their life who is a mom... please don't pass up an opportunity to recognize them for what they do. Remind them that they are beautiful individuals, that their thoughts and hopes and dreams and separateness from their role as mom is important. Whether it is giving them a special day, a thoughtful gesture or a simple kind word.... show the moms out there that they deserve recognition and gratitude for all the work the art of mothering requires.

No language can express the power, and beauty, and heroism, and majesty of a mother's love.  It shrinks not where man cowers, and grows stronger where man faints, and over wastes of worldly fortunes sends the radiance of its quenchless fidelity like a star.  ~Edwin Hubbell Chapin