Permission

Permission: authorization granted to do something; formal consent


In my writing I have a block. I practice restraint and constraint. I temper mood, feeling, intent, description, action and meaning. Why?


I am the captive and the captor with a serious case of Stockholm syndrome. I am constantly self-editing the content of my fiction motivated by fear of offense, misunderstanding or lack of discernment from my reader between fiction and reality. When I begin to drive a character to a place that I myself would not go, or create an action that I would not participate in, or even develop dialogue that I personally would not speak I sneak my pinky finger up to the delete key and find it hard to release it. I struggle with the role of originator of a story idea or character trait because of what that must imply about myself. If I take an idea or a character to a dark place, or create a perverse concept how will it be received by my reader... especially those who KNOW me... I cringe.
I like to write over the top sometimes-- to really go for it and stretch myself to the limit. When I am in that zone and find that creative space it is freeing to not hold back. When it comes down to then sharing the product however, I freeze and reject what I've created. I am a coward. This has been a source of much frustration for me lately. I find that I am looking for permission and at the heart of that is my need for approval in my writing. 
When I read some of my favorite authors, I notice a universal truth to their writing. I know that they gave it all. They took the chance. They gave the middle finger to whatever once may have held them back. These writers offer themselves, their characters and ultimately their readers an amazing gift-- permission. They give themselves permission to write what and how they want to write without censorship. They give their characters permission to be who they need to be for the story. They give permission to the story itself to be completely told. 


This is what I hope to achieve. I want to take my writing to a new level-- to a place of freedom and honesty. I am giving myself permission to write what needs to be written without judgement from my toughest critic... myself.